Yes. That is an ominous title. I just wanted to air a thought here that I find I do sometimes with CF. This post might have a negative effect on your view of your CF so at the bottom I’ve attempted to make a collection of kitten photos for you to enjoy and hopefully take your mind off of anything from this article – or you can skip to the kitten photos now 🙂
I really can’t say that I know of other CFer’s who do this and if you do it too, please let me know but every now and then (and these days it’s rare), I’ll look at my tablets but like… really look at them. Not just take them like a robot programmed to refresh itself twice a day or like a normal part of my life, but something that makes me different.
Before I start to sound crazy, I am aware that people without CF don’t take the same pills and people ask me about it all the time so maybe it’s an anxiety thing as it only happens every now and then but I look at a pot of Creon or an antibiotic and think “I have to take this to live”, “this isn’t a short term thing”. “If I stop taking these drugs, I will die”. And it’s a very weird thought process to have.
It’s not all like that and don’t all get that deep but every now and then they do and it’s weird. It’s like watching Children in Need or Comic Relief or another charity show where they show people in poor situations who are recovering from bereavement or cancer or are in severe poverty and you think “wow that’s awful, I can’t imagine life like that”. It’s this awareness that other people will look at my life, everything I go through on top of normal things like exams or work or budgeting and normal stresses and go “wow that sounds tough”.
Sometimes, it is bloody awful. When you’re 11 days into a 6 week course of treatment that makes you feel sick and you haven’t left the same four walls or the walls of the hospital for almost that long, yeah okay. Then I can see how someone would say it sounds tough. But during the day to day life of CF, it just becomes routine. I almost don’t feel qualified to be able to say that it’s tough because, when I’m healthy, it’s not really too different from remembering to feed yourself or a pet.
I guess you could say it’s kind of like an out-of-body experience. Like you’re seeing everything you do from someone else’s perspective and you realise that you deserve every little breath you get back from these hours and hours of treatment because you know what, life is tough and the fact that we have to fight to even breathe, even get to live long enough to see a sunset on a romantic getaway or the sights of the world makes all the little joys feel like the top of the world and when you get to the top of the world, whatever that is for you, be it having a family or actually climbing a mountain, you realise that in that moment, you deserve to be there because no one other than yourself knows what it took for you to get there and no one can understand how much those five minutes realising how amazing life can be cost years and years of work.
And oddly enough, I guess that’s something I’m proud of. Every little thing in life I appreciate more. The time with friends, the time with family, the holidays, the joys and everything that makes life worth living. I’ve earned it and I’ve earned the ability to say that I work every day to have these moments so I am going to spend every second I can living in them.
That turned out to be oddly more positive than I was expecting but I promised kittens so here are kittens (all rights to the photographers).